Submariners Joke

A Submariner moved to Derby after leaving the mob, walks into a pub and orders three pints of Bitter. He sits in the back of the bar, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar to order three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time’ The submariner replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two mates who I served on boats with and we were like brothers. One is now settled in Austria and one in Canada. When we left the Navy, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days when we went ashore and drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my mates, and one for myself.’ The barman admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The submariner becomes a regular in the pub and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, ‘I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss’. The submariner looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes, and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, everybody's just fine,’ he explains. ‘It's just that my wife and I have joined the Methodist Church, and so I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my two mates though!’

HAHAHAHA

Nice one!

My favourite submariners joke is the one that they tell you on the tour of HMS Alliance at Gosport about the Captain complimenting the mess steward on the fact that he aways delivers a full mug of cocoa (kai) to him on the bridge no matter how rough the weather.

I will leave someone else to finish this joke. (I am no good at jokes!)

David

Hi,
to be honest I must confess this is not (only) a joke but true reality...

Some ten years ago a group of submarine modellers (including me) with their models had been invited on the submarine base in Eckernfoerde by the German Navy where we made presentations for the public (it had been a special event of "the open base" that day).

We had also the opportunity to visit one of the submarines there (a submarine of the class 206a which was still commissioned that time).
While exploring the interior the mate on duty gave us information and also told us a funny story that happened to the sub and his crew some time before.

The submarine had participated on some NATO manoeuvres off the American East coast and after that the submarine visited an American harbour town (I am not sure whether it had been New York) for some days. As the class 206a had been rather small (only 500 tons) but with a crew of 22, there had been no berths for all the crew members. So during the stay a part of the crew got an accommodation in a local hotel. And - "honi soit qui mal y pense" - for saving money these submariners were accommodated in double rooms....
(The officer told us that the rumour arose German submariners must obviously be gay men....)

kind regards
Klaus-Dieter

Nice one!!

I'd better finish the joke I started earlier. So............

The Skipper is on the bridge complimenting the Mess Steward on the always full, always warm mugs of cocoa (kai) he brings.

The Mess Steward explains. "Well sir, just as a I get to the ladder I wait for the boat to lurch one way then I take a gulp of the cocoa. Then I climb the ladder and just before I gets to the top I spits it back."

David

They seem to be coming thick and fast now. This one is from Hein (Heinrich K) and posted with his permission:

Hello David

Vor einigen Tagen habe ich folgendes erlebt:

Zwei Leute stehen am Wasser und fahren ihre U-Boot-Modelle
Es regnet, Nein es regnet junge Hunde.
Der Regen rinnt am Kragen hinein und kommt an den Schuhen wieder raus.
Auf einmal sagt der eine zum anderen: "Stell dir mal vor, bei diesem Wetter wollte meine Frau mich zum Einkaufen schicken!"

Some days I have experienced the following:

Two people standing on the water and drive their submarine models
It's raining, No it's raining puppies.
The rain runs down into the collar and comes to the shoes out again.
"Just imagine, in this weather, my wife wanted to send me to go shopping!" Suddenly the one says to the other.

Hav a nice weekend

Hein

Just going of line, the last one reminds me of when I fest started diving I was just coming up from about 20ft and as I got to the 6ft mark I looked up and saw that it was rain, and I said to my self I must get out as I will get wet.

Me, seconds before the devastating EMP attack of 2018:



Me five-minutes after the devastating EMP attack of 2018:



Between  fighting off the zombie hordes and killing your neighbors for their food and water, how are you former CAD, CNC, and 3D printer addicted types going to assemble your kits?

Just a little thought exercise to brighten up your day.

Your welcome.

David

...hoping for you and us all it has only been a very common LEMP (Lightning ElectroMagnetic Pulse) and hopefully not a NEMP (Nuclear ElectroMagnetic Pulse) in 2018...

...CAD, CNC and 3D printing are nice but cannot replace a proven conventional model submarine shipyard with precision tools and facilities as can be seen in the following picture...

Hermann wrote:...hoping for you and us all it has only been a very common LEMP (Lightning ElectroMagnetic Pulse) and hopefully not a NEMP (Nuclear ElectroMagnetic Pulse) in 2018...

...CAD, CNC and 3D printing are nice but cannot replace a proven conventional model submarine shipyard with precision tools and facilities as can be seen in the following picture...
 

Magnificent! A finer collection of precision hand-tools I've never seen before. Need an understudy? Bags are packed, and I don't eat much. I'll sleep in the closet ... you'll hardly notice I'm there.



David

Jack decided to go skiing with his mate, Bob.
They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....."
'Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
'Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

merriman wrote:

... I'll sleep in the closet ... you'll hardly notice I'm there....

David

Well - the only problem will be that the closet is njormally occupied for rather long times - it's the location where I got some of my very best inspirations...


But here is another submariner's joke:

Final challenge in a TV show with two candidates remaining - a Reverend and a submariner. And only one of them can be the winner.
They shall create a poem instantly that includes the word "Timbuktu".
The Reverend begins:

"I' ve been a father for whole my life
but have no children, have no wife.
I read the Bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu."

The audience applauds politely.

Then it is the turn of the submariner:
"When Tim and I to Plymouth went
we met three ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two"

The applause was enthusiastic!


kind regards
Klaus-Dieter

Yeah but who won !!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry that this is a long one.

Nelson and Hardy’s final conversation circa 2016
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' – What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the
rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to
engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! and there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "Well in that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.